At one of my recent reunification, although it was much time ago, I remember very well the humiliating, painful feeling of being deliberately excluded — may be because he (my friend) was from the normal middle class, in a simple attire, and still not anchored his position l The assumption that he could not speak English as fluently had nothing valuable to bring to the group made me feel worse, and I found that I too was getting hostile and prejudiced.
Ironically everyone in the group knows that person since schooldays. Everyone knows that he was born and brought up mostly in a small town and its axiomatic that not only he cant be as fluent as others but also he taking little more time than others for anchoring himself firmly in this competitive world.
This incident taught me a lot about the violence of exclusion…how it makes one seethe with anger, robs potential for friendship, and destroys bonds that emphasize our humanity.
On the other hand, the hostess, who also happens to be a close friend of mine a very gracious lady, instead of making him feel out of place, took him around and introduced to everyone saying, “This is my school buddy who is taciturn by nature ”, and so on. She personally guided him to the best seats and stayed with him for a while, making sure he was served with as much courtesy as the others were. It shows generosity of nature and kindness of heart and the realization that we are all part of one humanity, however different we may seem.
Whenever we exclude people from meetings, social and family occasions we violate their sense of pride and dignity. When we say, or make them feel, “You don’t belong here”, or “You are not of my race, status, generation, educational standard”, we hurt them deeply and crush their self confidence. Why do we exclude people from our groups? Mainly because of prejudice, ignorance, and an inflated sense of ego. People who are crushed and made to feel inferior will not allow themselves to be treated this way for long. At some point they will retaliate and that’s what my friend did.
Loneliness, a reduced sense of self-esteem, bouts of aggression, sadness and depression. Those who inflict such violence have to understand what it is that makes them wreak havoc on the emotions and lives of those who love them. If you are a perpetrator, ask yourself, “Why am I being so nasty? Is it because I am insecure or jealous?”
My friend was born and brought up in a district of a city marked by poverty and inferior living conditions. He has a younger brother, and two sisters and his father was the breadwinner of the family. It was really tough for him to bring up his kids on his meager salary.
He, thus, did three different jobs to bring them up and educate them. Many times I used to visit my friends house, I never ever saw him ramming explicitly that they should study well, I knew he was struggling hard to send my friend and his siblings to school. And my friend was I always determined that his hard work should not go in vain.The family is very hard working and has the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect.
My friend was one of the topper throughout my school days. In the mornings, he used to went out to sell news papers His parents only wanted to educate their kids so that they can get a good job. So true, When one constantly worry about the next square meal, how can they dare to dream of becoming a doctor or an engineer. The only thing that was on my mind was to get a good job
I still strongly remember one incident during our high school, when my friend made greetings with wonderful paintings during the summer vacation and accumulated money for his school fees. When he got plenty of work, he employed 5 others and all of us(including me) did the work together. That was his first real job as an entrepreneur. I always knew that he will be something one day.
Yesterday when this 24-year old lad got selected for the Indian Institute of Management, Ahmadabad, he created quite a stir among all of us. He was inspired by his dad who with his meager income educated him and his siblings. He silenced all his critics, now I am really looking forward for all those people who once said he can’t speak good English.
Well, now again coming back, I always feel inclusion is the antidote to exclusion. A welcoming handshake, a warm smile and pleasant greeting , a genuine desire to get to know the other person, making him or her feel part of the group.
All of us are guilty of this kind of violence. Just think…have you ever been given the silent treatment? How did you respond to it? What did you learn from it?
Truly, making people feel unwelcome can be more painful than physical violence.
