Mothers Day 2020

It is few hours away from “Mothers-day” and I sit here at my home, locked down and thinking about my mother.  Among the many memories I had with her, one which I recall the most is how she always believed in “peace first” policy. One such incident was  during my post schooling days, when i used to get quite upset over the simple things, like my mother not giving coffee "on-time" every morning and this used to bother me a lot. And after observing this for a while, I complained this to my mother.  For which, she told me  that anything that comes into my life should stay with me to become my strength or it should leave me, to make me free. But  it should never stay with me and continue be my weakness. And she also told me that these habits that has gained mastery over me, will be very soon  gaining mastery over my peace....and for sure will disturb my peace.  For which, she told me to practice the ability to “say no” for one full week & abstain from that which disturbed me. Practising this will either give me complete mastery over it or I will no more be in need of this, forever. 

May be i didn't understood this truly then but now i realised that everything that comes into our life should stay with us to become our strength or it should leave us to make us free it should never stay with us and become our weakness.

I am practising this advice of hers now to only see how much peace I have invited in my life. 

Well, TWO YEARS before, on the same day, I wrote something but didn’t publish then. I wrote:

She's caged away in a place “they” call home, staring void. Her language became nothingness. She sees mostly the ceiling and sometimes the walls.

She does no movements, yet  they say she is still alive. Is she? or is she not? What am I to believe? What am I to feel?
The pain I now endure for her, deeply tears me apart. I have survived this year after year by blocking her from my thoughts. Yet as the time comes close for me to return these fears resurface.
The saddest part being not able to do anything but being with her. She is my mother. I came into this world from her womb and now getting ready to carry her to her tomb wishing to say goodbye.
Its so very excruciating to say my final goodbye is near-by. My heart pangs, my body feels weakened and my hands seem to tremble.
Death, although is final destination, its never easy to let someone go.
Although I know this deep sleep will bring peace and comfort. It will remove her from a life that disappeared many years ago.
It is all so agonising as I try to say my final goodbyes.

Today, I saw my mother’s hanging photograph again for one more time and said to myself that when you are unwell and still there with me,  we understand each other’s silence. And we kept gazing at each other for hours. There were moments with no communication and yet there was so much of understanding. I always keep wondering how Ironic life is... when I was born, you understood my language without any name to it. Now when you are leaving me, I am understanding your language without you uttering a single word. isn’t it wonderment in itself? They say you have died & passed away . Amaa… you will always continue to live in my heart now Forever and Always. You didn't pass away, but you passed on you passed on your compassion, kindness & pure love.

Happy Mother’s Day, for one more time 

With Silence beyond words and immense gratitude, 

Aditya