Heaven Needed Celebrations, So He left

Ahimsa for Mahatma Gandhi, Love for Mother Teresa, Compassion for Mahaveera and Patience was for him.

I would not even hold back for a second to say Patience was the fragrance of his personality, it’s that invisible ingredient in him which can only be felt and not the outside–in but the inside-out.

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He was the source of strength to me. “My Daddy…”! I remember vividly how he used to take care of his parents and later my mother. He didn’t choose patience, perhaps he was choiceless in patience and that’s why I termed it as fragrance. Seeing him I was used to get always inspired and thought to make happiness as my fragrance just like how patience is for him. I thought what will it be if happiness becomes my fragrance. Then I have realized that if one such quality becomes the fragrance of our personality…wherever you go there is life in that whole thing. Just like a rose, no matter where you keep it, be it in a garland or in a funeral, it can just be a mere flower thrown in the procession or perhaps could be a proposal symbol…So, he was not only source of my strength but also an inspiration to me

When my mother was perfectly healthy, he used to take that extra mile to assist her in every possible way and when my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness, he was still “with the same patience”, taking care of her more ever. Infact throughout this tohubohu, he never left my mother’s side. In the corner bed of a small room, he kept her awake with stories, conversation, even singing. His only desire was to go to heaven after my mother. he is clearly a person who thought of others before herself.

But there are moments incomprehensible to us, and all we can relay is what we have witnessed

His journey, such a rich tale to share which epitomizes patience to the highest level I have ever witnessed.

24^th Feb 2017: the day which I can never forget for the rest of my lifetime…. This day I was very happy as I had cleared my entire home loan and wanted to share this happy news with him…. however, future has different plans for me and of-course for him. They say, neither joy nor terror will delay a death…. 

I saw him having breath problems as soon as I reached home from office. I was witnessing all these in front of me; he having problems breathing, me assisting him with various medications, making phone call to my brother for his inputs. Slowly, he was fine and requested me to get some Assam Tea for him, which I know is not his favorite but mine. Before even he could take the first sip, he was having much more difficulty in breathing. I was witnessing all this. Only I was with him. With no further delay, I started taking him to the nearby hospital and suddenly I observed that his face was contorting, his eyes moistening and my tightly held hand was getting loosened from his grip…

He always used to say that he wants to go to heaven through my hands and it did happen on this fateful day. I was witnessing all this “moment by moment” and was shouting to myself, please do not leave us…I could not bear this world without him …I realized how much I relied on him from morning until night. He was my only conversation. My smile. He used to prepare food and always to me first, even though I insisted that I already had. I held him tightly against my shoulders sitting in the back seat of the car and felt like this is the last connection to humanity.

Slowly he stopped responding to my calls and doctors declared he is dead. When he died, I didn’t recognize myself anymore. So much of my identity was being his son and nothing was the same. I just felt to myself on the meaning of life and was it worth it? Why Love if loosing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore. May be the pain now is a part of the happiness then.

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I could see people at a distance, but they couldn’t see me. I could hear words coming from their mouths, but they made no sense.

I could see him lying beside me. I was calling him and there is no single response from him. Everyone around me started changing the terminology from “him” to “body”. My father is my hero and my best friend and a life without him didn’t seem possible. It still doesn’t. I was just unable put one foot in front of the other and could feel the ground beneath me is crumbling? I was unable to speak when unshed tears clawing my throat? My heart didn’t feel broken or shattered when my father died. It felt as if it had been ripped bloody and pulsating from my chest, leaving only a gaping hole to remind me of its existence. When they took his “body”, I had fell to the floor and crouched against the wall, rocking back and forth, holding my arms as if freezing. The streets outside were flooded. It was like a war zone for me. There was nowhere to go. No place to scream. It’s a shadow that follows me, a lingering chill in the air even when it’s warm. Grief has become something that I no longer try to fix because, with time, I’ve grown to understand that it never goes away. You just learn to live with it.

But I miss his hands—wide, callused hands that would rub my back or grab my hand just to kiss the palm and tell me he loved me.

I miss his smile which could light up a room and reverberate for hours after he left. I miss the patience with which he used to deal any kind of situation and make things look easier for us. I miss cooking Upma with him and I miss sharing my daily activities with him. I Miss Him. And the longer he’s gone, the more at home the hurt becomes.

--> There are days that I can deal with the pain.  When I remember that all he ever wanted for his children was for us to be happy, I realize that nothing would devastate him more than knowing that his death caused even a second of unhappiness. This is the time when, I was confused between reality and illusion? I started realizing that what he is experiencing is reality and what we as mortals are experiencing is mere illusion. I remember Osho’s epitaph reading “Never born, never Died… visited earth between; date of birth’ and ‘date of death’ “. I just thought to myself that death and life are mere illusions

My two-old daughter couldn’t experience the depth of her grandfather’s love for her. She will never feel the security of knowing that, other than his parents, there is also a man who would move mountains for her. Of course, I can tell her stories, but a story can’t replace the feeling of laying on his chest and feeling her laugh reverberate

One incident from my childhood that I can never forget is that one day when my mom was busy and was not willing to go to temple and I was asked to accompany my father to temple.

Generally, I know that my father is a very smart negotiator and suppose one piece is 100 bucks and he without any hesitation used to ask 3 pieces for 100 bucks, but what surprised me is that he used to get that. But that day when we went to temple, he had a coconut to buy and was told to pay 8 bucks for one coconut. He asked for a 12 bucks worth coconut and this moment was somewhat shocking to me. During my self-introspection, I realized that my father always wanted to offer the best to god, whatever might be the reason. it’s always the best…

Even during our childhood, until the Pooja was completed my father never allowed us to touch the food. so, for him, god was always the first.

somehow all these moments dawned on me and any moment of spiritual connect is a moment of tears for me. As tears were trickling down…I started my communication with my god and told that everything that is around me, including the air I breathe is provided by you my god so If there is anything that I could do, then I wish I could turn back the clock and bring the wheels of time to a stop and live all those moments with my father again.

I always believe that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They will always be around us in every act, thought and decision making leaving an indelible imprint in our memories.

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There are moments on earth when the Lord smiles at the unexpected sweetness of His creation. This was one of those moments.

Finally, I was just trying to illustrate the whole life lived by my dad in one single sentence and the only sentence I could opt is “Heaven Needed Celebrations, So He left”.

Signing off,

Aditya Telidevara